Save the Internet!

I'm taking a break from my normal blogging to pass on this important message:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mNHXB_IJ4I

Whatever It Takes

I'm proud to announce that my new personal motto is "Whatever It Takes". This replaces my old personal motto, "Leave Me Alone or I'll Knock You Down".

What does "Whatever It Takes" mean to me? Well, suppose I have a goal, any old goal. "Whatever It Takes" means I'll do anything that proves necessary in order to complete that goal. So, suppose my goal is a peanut butter sandwich. I'd do any of the following if need be in order to get a peanut butter sandwich:

1. Tear the heads off 1,000 baby chickens.
2. Blow up an entire planet.
3. Wear a tie-dyed shirt.
4. Shave my head and paint it blue.
5. Dance with bears.
6. Learn Haskell.
7. Chop down a redwood with a butter knife.
8. Learn to juggle 4 balls at once.
9. Stop playing foosball forever.
10. Play dead for 7 hours.

You might ask me to describe the situations in which I'd have to do each of 1-10 above in order to obtain a peanut butter the sandwich. If you do that, you're missing the point. "Whatever It Takes" isn't about specifics. It's about getting things done no matter the challenges that stand in the way.

So, in short, world, get out of my way or I'll do whatever it takes to remove you as an obstacle.

Nancy Grace Gives Birth to Twins

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8SNQCMG0&show_article=1

She gave birth 2 months early and I hope everything is ok both with Nancy and her two babies. However, this is clearly a sign of the end of times. We either have 30, 60, or 90 days left. After that, it's bye bye cold, cruel world! Use the short time you have left to make things right with the people around you.

The Top Fifty Songs of the Moment

At this exact moment there are no better songs known to mankind than these:

1. Alice Deejay -- Better Off Alone
   
2. Appliance -- Pacifica
3. Autamata -- Jellyman
4. Barrage -- Until We Meet Again
   
5. Belly -- Gepetto
6. Ben Harper -- Burn One Down
7. Bjork -- Atlantic
8. Blind Melon -- No Rain
9. The Breeders -- Divine Hammer
10. Cake -- Short Skirt/Long Jacket
11. Camera Obscura -- Shine Like a New Pin
12. The Candy Skins -- Wembley
13. Catie Curtis -- Strange
14. Cornershop -- Brim Full of Asha
15. Cynthia Basinet -- Santa Baby
16. Dandy Warhols -- Bohemian Like You
17. Darude -- Sandstorm
18. David Bowie -- Miracle Goodnight
19. Death Cab for Cutie -- Marching Bands of Manhattan
20. Ditty Bops -- Angel With an Attitude
21. Don McLean -- Castles in the Air
22. Echo and the Bunnymen -- In the Margins
23. Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians -- Circle
24. Emmylou Harris -- Waltz Across Texas Tonight
25. Filter -- Take My Picture
26. Giorgio Morder -- The Chase
27. Hem -- Half Acre
    
28. Kate Bush -- Brazil
29. The Killers -- All These Things That I've Done
30. Liz Phair -- Whip Smart
31. Louise Goffin -- Sometimes a Circle
32. Matthew Sweet -- Girlfriend
33. Mazzy Star -- Into Dust
34. MC Chris -- Fett's Vette
35. Paul Oakenfold -- Starry Eyed Surprise
36. Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel -- Late in the Evening
37. The Postal Service -- We Will Become Silhouettes
38. RJD2 -- GhostWriter
39. Sarah McLachlan -- Vox
40. Sarah Vaughan -- Somewhere Over the Rainbow
41. The Secret Machines -- Nowhere Again
42. Snow Patrol -- Run
43. Supergrass -- Tales of Endurance
44. Suzanne Vega -- Blood Makes Noise
45. Talking Heads -- Wild Wild Life
46. The Be Good Tanyas -- Light Enough to Travel
47. Tom Petty -- Learning to Fly
48. Wailin' Jennys -- Deeper Well
49. The White Stripes -- Black Math
50. Zero 7 -- In the Waiting Line
    

The above songs replace any previously identified songs.

If you listen to any other songs besides those that appear above until I post the next list, you are very wrong and you should reexamine your life.

Worst Website Ever

http://www.cornfieldmaze.com/

Click if you dare, but I warned you!

My Desk Setup at Home

This weekend, in an effort to improve my productivity, I added a second 22" wide screen monitor to my setup at home. If it only improves my productivity by 10%, it's worth it.

The Saddest Moment in Texas High School Football History

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHkABO0VwCg

The actual moment happens about 4:12 into the video.

UTSA's Football Play

When UTSA gets its football team in 5 to 10 years, this is a play we'll run a lot:

http://sports.espn.com/

Fox Broadcasting Gets K-Ville All Wrong

There is a new show on Fox this Fall called K-Ville.

Well, I grew up in Kerrville, Texas and I have to say Fox got a few things wrong.

One thing they got wrong is the amount of crime in Kerrville. One episode of "K-Ville" is filled with crime -- murders, robberies, assaults, fights, etc. The Kerrvile I know is not like that at all (my parents still live there so my information is up to date). Sure, Kerr County has crime but that mostly happens in Center Point (where I graduated from high school).

Also, Kerrville is a nice place. The scenery in "K-Ville" is depressing and dilapidated. Kerrville is not filled with slums and low income government housing. Sure, we have our share of trailer homes. However, there is nothing like the housing depicted in "K-Ville".

The last and most egregious error is the landscape itself. Kerrville bills itself as the "Heart of the Hills". It's in the middle of the Texas Hill Country and on the banks of the Guadalupe River. The "K-Ville" from the TV show seems to be a coastal city on a much larger river. There are no scenic, cedar covered hills. There are no mighty and ancient oak trees. There are no whitetail deer dodging pickup trucks.

I demand that Fox take this travesty of a show off the air immediately!

Halo 3 Stats

This is for all the 13-year-old kids out there who play Halo 3, read my blog, and talk stupid 13-year-old trash. 25 out of 50 points? Is that even possible? Is Jarmzet getting better? Are you scared of this old man yet? Woot!

Gary Kasparov is Awesome

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LQYyPooETcI

Who in American politics is that smart and speaks that plainly and well on his feet?

Spotting Evil Greg

Some people have trouble spotting Evil Greg. So, I've created this helpful aide.

These ten pictures clearly show the difference between Evil Greg and Good Greg (Evil Gregs are on the the left and Good Gregs are on the right):

(You may need to click on the image to see it in a larger format.)

Were you able to spot the difference between Evil Greg and Good Greg?

The Top Dozen Songs of the Moment

At this exact moment there are no better songs known to mankind than these:

1. Elastica -- Connection
2. Sinead Lohan -- No Mermaid
3. The Alpinestars -- Carbon Kid
4. Paul Simon -- Graceland
5. The Teddybears -- Punkrocker
6. The Wailin' Jennys -- Long Time Traveller
7. Lucinda Williams -- Can't Let Go
8. Of Montreal -- Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games
9. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers -- American Girl
10. Jenny Lewis -- You Are What You Love
11. Goldfrapp -- Strict Machine
    
12. The Beattles -- Blackbird
    

The above songs replace any previously identified songs.

You Really Haven't Lived Until ...

You really haven't lived until you've been trash talked while playing Halo 3 by 13-year-old kids. Apparently, having no responsibility and all the time in the world makes a person awesome at Halo 3. Try doing the same thing when you have a job, go to grad school, have a pregnant wife, have a house you have to take care of, and play basketball 2-4 times a week. Really. It's not as easy as it sounds.

NFL Equals Yawns

It's too bad the NFL isn't exciting at all. Tonight I watched the Cowboys beat the Bills. I had to consume 12 sodas to get the caffeine necessary to keep my eye lids open. Absolutely nothing happened in the game. The Cowboys were never in danger of losing. Absurd is the only thing that comes to mind. Sure, some not so hardcore fans might have had some concerns the Cowboys were going to lose at some points in the game. However, I had no such thoughts.

So True

I got this fortune cookie today:


The cookie is kind of unnecessary and it was probably meant for somebody else. There must have been some mistake at the fortune cookie factory.

Those who know me know that I've lived my life that way for some time now (since at least 1986). I'm always listening to things with my heart.

I have this special device (sort of like a stethoscope) that magnifies sounds and directs them to a single output point. I place this output point (called a resonator) on my heart and I can "feel/hear" things others can't. It's awesome!

The Top Seven Songs of the Moment

At this exact moment there are no better songs known to mankind than these:

1. Feist -- 1 2 3 4
2. Fatboy Slim -- Praise You
3. Arcade Fire -- Keep the Car Running
4. Wilco -- Airline to Heaven
5. The Stills -- In the Beginning
6. Silversun Pickups -- Rusted Wheel
7. James -- Sound

The above songs replace any previously identified songs.

Offical Dance and Music For This Blog

Until further notice, this is the official dance and music for my blog:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkGum1YYkGk

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Consider these two stories side by side:

Flynt, 59, making comeback with Sul Ross State University

UTSA moves closer to adding football

I'm an alumni of UTSA and a current grad school student. In light of the above seemingly unrelated stories, I can't help but believe that in three years I'll be suiting up for the Roadrunners. It's inevitable.

The only question remaining is how long will the University of Texas at Austin dodge a currently undefeated and very mighty, mighty UTSA Roadrunner football program? I suspect it'll be 25 years before UT plays UTSA.

Here are my predictions about the UTSA program:

1. We will beat UT 100-0 every single time.
2. UT quarterbacks will cry after each and every game played against UTSA.
3. Bevo will make some good BBQ.
4. UTSA wins a national title before UT does it again.
5. Major Applewhite will edit his own Wikipedia article so that it says he attended and played for UTSA instead of UT.
6. UT fans will forget Texas A&M exists.
7. The mayor of Austin, Leslie Cochran will try to trade UT for UTSA. The mayor of San Antonio, Chuck Norris, will decline.
8. After UT's first loss to UTSA, Bobby Layne will spin around in his grave with such alacrity that the entire cemetery he's in will burn to the ground (tombstones and all).
9. Due to the shock of it all, Ricky Williams' mental facilities will be radically changed so that he begins to think clearly.
10. The quality of UT cheerleaders will take a dive. They will start to look like this.
11. UTSA will get all the overachievers that usually go to Texas Tech and Tech will be forced to start playing players made entirely out of sand and tumbleweeds.
12. ESPN will stop showing UTSA games because UTSA never loses and people are bored of seeing it.
13. UTSA will become "America's Team".
14. UTSA will have to change its mascot to something more awesome and widespread, something like hydrogen.
15. Bear Bryant will come out of retirement to coach UTSA. His ghost will call plays from UTSA's sidelines for two or three hundred years.
16. UTSA will never kick an extra point or convert a two point conversion (trying not to run up the score will be a constant point of concern for UTSA coaches).
17. UTSA professors will genetically engineer a human sized roadrunner mascot to entertain the crowd with crazy and amazing antics.
18. Heisman trophies will fill the UTSA Sombria. A second Sombria will be built nearby.
19. UTSA will occasionally play two or three games per week.
20. Roadrunner fans will tear down opposing teams' goalposts on the road after every single road game and bring them back to UTSA and make a huge pile that will be visible from the surface of the moon.
21. UTSA will heavily recruit all areas of the planet Earth.
22. UTSA will play some games blindfolded just to increase the challenge of it all.
23. UTSA's marching band will be 5,000 strong.
24. Nevil Shed will smile for a week or two.
25. UTSA's football program will make so much money that all parking on campus will become valet parking.
26. UTSA's football stadium will hold 300,000 people.
27. All UTSA kickers will weigh 250 pounds and play middle linebacker in addition to punting and place kicking.
28. Entire teams will feign death to avoid playing UTSA.
29. Each year, UTSA's schedule will consist of teams the NCAA force to play UTSA.
30. UTSA will play the winner of the Super Bowl each year to determine the overall champion of football.
31. UTSA players will be covered with nerf-like material in an effort to prevent injuries to opposing players.
32. A UTSA free safety will be the first college player to weigh over 1,000 pounds.
33. Early in the program, a UTSA player will put a hit on a UTEP player that causes the UTEP player's skeleton to leave his body.
34. NBC will drop Notre Dame for UTSA.
35. UTSA football jerseys will outsell all other sporting apparel for all other teams in all other sports combined for all time.
36. The UTSA scoreboard on UTSA's side will be able to display four digit scores.
37. The UTSA football fight song will be the somewhat mellow Praise You by Fatboy Slim.
38. UTSA touchdowns will cure chickenpox.
39. No UTSA football player will ever suffer an injury more serious than a stubbed toe in a game.
40. No UTSA player will ever be arrested for any reason ever.
41. The President will meet with the UTSA team before every season just to get it out of the way.
42. The College Football Hall of Fame will be moved to Boerne just to make it closer to the home of college football, UTSA.
43. The UTSA mascot will beat up all other mascots during games.
44. Time Warner cable will add a UTSA football channel that will show UTSA football games on tape year round. It will get the best ratings of any channel ever. A second, similar channel will be added three years later.
45. Jerry Jones will try to buy UTSA's football team.
46. John Madden will be a season ticket holder and even he will be amazed.
47. Sometimes UTSA's stadium will get too loud and neighbors will call the police to complain about the noise.
48. The now defunct Southwest Conference will posthumously award UTSA ten conference championships.
49. UTSA quarterbacks will all be so good they'll be called halfdollarbacks.
50. We'll run a 1-2-3-4-1 defense. Nobody will ever be able to get past the first 1.
51. Sometimes we'll let other teams score out of pity.
52. The Spurs will watch UTSA practices in order to learn how sports are done right.
53. UTSA running backs will be able to fly, literally (don't ask me how).
    
54. UTSA cheerleaders will be as smart as they are beautiful. None of this.
55. Footage of UTSA football games will be considered a national treasure by all countries in the world.
56. Fireworks will go off after every UTSA score. More fireworks factories will have to be built.
57. The Wile E. Coyote will become very, very depressed and eventually commit suicide.
58. UTSA offensive success will be measured in miles per game.
59. So many players will want to play for UTSA that players will only play with UTSA until they score one touchdown. Then, they'll have to either move onto another sport at UTSA or transfer to another school. Nobody will transfer. Our other men's sports programs become as awesome as our football program.
60. Sometimes it rains on UTSA football games. Nobody cares.
61. UTSA players will wear knuckle pads in addition to shoulder pads. They hit that hard.
    
62. Once UTSA starts playing football, people in Texas will like football even more.
63. Sometimes UTSA will let the marching band suit up against particularly pathetic teams, teams like Baylor, Oklahoma State, and Rutgers.
64. For the first ten years of the program, the smallest margin of victory for UTSA will be 45 points.
65. UTSA will play for the national title in the first year of the program.
66. UTSA's football program will be so successful that Congress will make America's space program a branch of UTSA's football program. Five years later humans will be living on every planet in the solar system.
67. Sometimes UTSA will only send 14 players to road games. This is 3 more players than are actually needed to get a victory.
68. UTSA's offensive line won't block people. It will pound people into the ground.
69. UTSA's running game will resemble the running of the bulls in Pamplona.
70. Our air attack will look like this.
71. Coach after coach will be fired after their team loses to UTSA.
72. UTSA's play book will have two plays, one for offense and one for defense. These two plays will both be unstoppable.
73. UTSA's red zone will be 100 yards long.
74. They will make movies about UTSA footbal, two or fifty-three a year.
75. UTSA will eschew grass and artificial turf for the stadium's playing surface. UTSA will play on concrete.
76. All UTSA football players will go on to have successful careers in whatever field they choose.
77. UTSA will look good in their uniforms (maybe too good).
78. UTSA pep rallies will prove unnecessary.
79. "I told you so!" will become UTSA's battle cry.
80. UTSA will be an honorary member of every conference.
81. Other teams will adopt UTSA's fight song and mascot in an effort to duplicate UTSA's success.
82. UTSA will give up just two points its first season when a UTSA running back gets confused and runs the wrong way and is tackled for a safety. That running back never sees the light of day ever again.
83. Roadrunners in the wild will stand a little taller secure in the knowledge of UTSA's success.
84. Roadrunners will be fast.
85. The press box at Roadrunner stadium will be able to accommodate 1,500 people.
86. Tailgating at Roadrunner stadium will go on 24/7/365 (366 in leap years).
87. After about 350 years of Roadrunner football, all other teams will give up and stop playing football.
88. Roadrunner football will be penalty free for its first 3 years of existence. The first penalty will be an unsportsmanlike penalty called on our halfdollarback for being too awesome.
89. Roadrunner players will play without helmets because they aren't needed. Roadrunners are too tough for helmets.
90. Sometimes people will tire of talking about Roadrunner football for two or three minutes at a time.
91. UTSA football coaches will win seven Nobel Prizes in the first 100 years of Roadrunner football.
92. Eventually, the NCAA will allow opposing players to carry weapons in games against the Roadrunners to make things more fair.
93. A blog post of 100 Roadrunner football predictions will become the longest blog post in the history of mankind. This post will break all sorts of things.
94. UTSA Roadrunners can tackle using their pinky finger only.
    
95. UTSA football players will run laps around 1604 before home games in order to warm up.
96. UTSA football will be under constant investigation for NCAA violations but none will ever be found.
97. UTSA players won't take steroids. Steroids would just hinder their development.
98. The roadrunner will become the national bird of the United States.
99. Roadrunner stadium will have large comfortable leather seats.
100. Earl Campbell will throw out the first pitch at the first UTSA football game. Only later will he realize that isn't done before football games.
     

There. I did it. The first ever UTSA football smack talk. That felt good. Woot!

Fish Fry 2007 Photolog

http://greglange.com/photolog/20070901/