Halo 3 Stats

This is for all the 13-year-old kids out there who play Halo 3, read my blog, and talk stupid 13-year-old trash. 25 out of 50 points? Is that even possible? Is Jarmzet getting better? Are you scared of this old man yet? Woot!

Gary Kasparov is Awesome

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LQYyPooETcI

Who in American politics is that smart and speaks that plainly and well on his feet?

Spotting Evil Greg

Some people have trouble spotting Evil Greg. So, I've created this helpful aide.

These ten pictures clearly show the difference between Evil Greg and Good Greg (Evil Gregs are on the the left and Good Gregs are on the right):

(You may need to click on the image to see it in a larger format.)

Were you able to spot the difference between Evil Greg and Good Greg?

The Top Dozen Songs of the Moment

At this exact moment there are no better songs known to mankind than these:

1. Elastica -- Connection
2. Sinead Lohan -- No Mermaid
3. The Alpinestars -- Carbon Kid
4. Paul Simon -- Graceland
5. The Teddybears -- Punkrocker
6. The Wailin' Jennys -- Long Time Traveller
7. Lucinda Williams -- Can't Let Go
8. Of Montreal -- Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games
9. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers -- American Girl
10. Jenny Lewis -- You Are What You Love
11. Goldfrapp -- Strict Machine
    
12. The Beattles -- Blackbird
    

The above songs replace any previously identified songs.

You Really Haven't Lived Until ...

You really haven't lived until you've been trash talked while playing Halo 3 by 13-year-old kids. Apparently, having no responsibility and all the time in the world makes a person awesome at Halo 3. Try doing the same thing when you have a job, go to grad school, have a pregnant wife, have a house you have to take care of, and play basketball 2-4 times a week. Really. It's not as easy as it sounds.

NFL Equals Yawns

It's too bad the NFL isn't exciting at all. Tonight I watched the Cowboys beat the Bills. I had to consume 12 sodas to get the caffeine necessary to keep my eye lids open. Absolutely nothing happened in the game. The Cowboys were never in danger of losing. Absurd is the only thing that comes to mind. Sure, some not so hardcore fans might have had some concerns the Cowboys were going to lose at some points in the game. However, I had no such thoughts.

So True

I got this fortune cookie today:


The cookie is kind of unnecessary and it was probably meant for somebody else. There must have been some mistake at the fortune cookie factory.

Those who know me know that I've lived my life that way for some time now (since at least 1986). I'm always listening to things with my heart.

I have this special device (sort of like a stethoscope) that magnifies sounds and directs them to a single output point. I place this output point (called a resonator) on my heart and I can "feel/hear" things others can't. It's awesome!

The Top Seven Songs of the Moment

At this exact moment there are no better songs known to mankind than these:

1. Feist -- 1 2 3 4
2. Fatboy Slim -- Praise You
3. Arcade Fire -- Keep the Car Running
4. Wilco -- Airline to Heaven
5. The Stills -- In the Beginning
6. Silversun Pickups -- Rusted Wheel
7. James -- Sound

The above songs replace any previously identified songs.

Offical Dance and Music For This Blog

Until further notice, this is the official dance and music for my blog:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkGum1YYkGk

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Consider these two stories side by side:

Flynt, 59, making comeback with Sul Ross State University

UTSA moves closer to adding football

I'm an alumni of UTSA and a current grad school student. In light of the above seemingly unrelated stories, I can't help but believe that in three years I'll be suiting up for the Roadrunners. It's inevitable.

The only question remaining is how long will the University of Texas at Austin dodge a currently undefeated and very mighty, mighty UTSA Roadrunner football program? I suspect it'll be 25 years before UT plays UTSA.

Here are my predictions about the UTSA program:

1. We will beat UT 100-0 every single time.
2. UT quarterbacks will cry after each and every game played against UTSA.
3. Bevo will make some good BBQ.
4. UTSA wins a national title before UT does it again.
5. Major Applewhite will edit his own Wikipedia article so that it says he attended and played for UTSA instead of UT.
6. UT fans will forget Texas A&M exists.
7. The mayor of Austin, Leslie Cochran will try to trade UT for UTSA. The mayor of San Antonio, Chuck Norris, will decline.
8. After UT's first loss to UTSA, Bobby Layne will spin around in his grave with such alacrity that the entire cemetery he's in will burn to the ground (tombstones and all).
9. Due to the shock of it all, Ricky Williams' mental facilities will be radically changed so that he begins to think clearly.
10. The quality of UT cheerleaders will take a dive. They will start to look like this.
11. UTSA will get all the overachievers that usually go to Texas Tech and Tech will be forced to start playing players made entirely out of sand and tumbleweeds.
12. ESPN will stop showing UTSA games because UTSA never loses and people are bored of seeing it.
13. UTSA will become "America's Team".
14. UTSA will have to change its mascot to something more awesome and widespread, something like hydrogen.
15. Bear Bryant will come out of retirement to coach UTSA. His ghost will call plays from UTSA's sidelines for two or three hundred years.
16. UTSA will never kick an extra point or convert a two point conversion (trying not to run up the score will be a constant point of concern for UTSA coaches).
17. UTSA professors will genetically engineer a human sized roadrunner mascot to entertain the crowd with crazy and amazing antics.
18. Heisman trophies will fill the UTSA Sombria. A second Sombria will be built nearby.
19. UTSA will occasionally play two or three games per week.
20. Roadrunner fans will tear down opposing teams' goalposts on the road after every single road game and bring them back to UTSA and make a huge pile that will be visible from the surface of the moon.
21. UTSA will heavily recruit all areas of the planet Earth.
22. UTSA will play some games blindfolded just to increase the challenge of it all.
23. UTSA's marching band will be 5,000 strong.
24. Nevil Shed will smile for a week or two.
25. UTSA's football program will make so much money that all parking on campus will become valet parking.
26. UTSA's football stadium will hold 300,000 people.
27. All UTSA kickers will weigh 250 pounds and play middle linebacker in addition to punting and place kicking.
28. Entire teams will feign death to avoid playing UTSA.
29. Each year, UTSA's schedule will consist of teams the NCAA force to play UTSA.
30. UTSA will play the winner of the Super Bowl each year to determine the overall champion of football.
31. UTSA players will be covered with nerf-like material in an effort to prevent injuries to opposing players.
32. A UTSA free safety will be the first college player to weigh over 1,000 pounds.
33. Early in the program, a UTSA player will put a hit on a UTEP player that causes the UTEP player's skeleton to leave his body.
34. NBC will drop Notre Dame for UTSA.
35. UTSA football jerseys will outsell all other sporting apparel for all other teams in all other sports combined for all time.
36. The UTSA scoreboard on UTSA's side will be able to display four digit scores.
37. The UTSA football fight song will be the somewhat mellow Praise You by Fatboy Slim.
38. UTSA touchdowns will cure chickenpox.
39. No UTSA football player will ever suffer an injury more serious than a stubbed toe in a game.
40. No UTSA player will ever be arrested for any reason ever.
41. The President will meet with the UTSA team before every season just to get it out of the way.
42. The College Football Hall of Fame will be moved to Boerne just to make it closer to the home of college football, UTSA.
43. The UTSA mascot will beat up all other mascots during games.
44. Time Warner cable will add a UTSA football channel that will show UTSA football games on tape year round. It will get the best ratings of any channel ever. A second, similar channel will be added three years later.
45. Jerry Jones will try to buy UTSA's football team.
46. John Madden will be a season ticket holder and even he will be amazed.
47. Sometimes UTSA's stadium will get too loud and neighbors will call the police to complain about the noise.
48. The now defunct Southwest Conference will posthumously award UTSA ten conference championships.
49. UTSA quarterbacks will all be so good they'll be called halfdollarbacks.
50. We'll run a 1-2-3-4-1 defense. Nobody will ever be able to get past the first 1.
51. Sometimes we'll let other teams score out of pity.
52. The Spurs will watch UTSA practices in order to learn how sports are done right.
53. UTSA running backs will be able to fly, literally (don't ask me how).
    
54. UTSA cheerleaders will be as smart as they are beautiful. None of this.
55. Footage of UTSA football games will be considered a national treasure by all countries in the world.
56. Fireworks will go off after every UTSA score. More fireworks factories will have to be built.
57. The Wile E. Coyote will become very, very depressed and eventually commit suicide.
58. UTSA offensive success will be measured in miles per game.
59. So many players will want to play for UTSA that players will only play with UTSA until they score one touchdown. Then, they'll have to either move onto another sport at UTSA or transfer to another school. Nobody will transfer. Our other men's sports programs become as awesome as our football program.
60. Sometimes it rains on UTSA football games. Nobody cares.
61. UTSA players will wear knuckle pads in addition to shoulder pads. They hit that hard.
    
62. Once UTSA starts playing football, people in Texas will like football even more.
63. Sometimes UTSA will let the marching band suit up against particularly pathetic teams, teams like Baylor, Oklahoma State, and Rutgers.
64. For the first ten years of the program, the smallest margin of victory for UTSA will be 45 points.
65. UTSA will play for the national title in the first year of the program.
66. UTSA's football program will be so successful that Congress will make America's space program a branch of UTSA's football program. Five years later humans will be living on every planet in the solar system.
67. Sometimes UTSA will only send 14 players to road games. This is 3 more players than are actually needed to get a victory.
68. UTSA's offensive line won't block people. It will pound people into the ground.
69. UTSA's running game will resemble the running of the bulls in Pamplona.
70. Our air attack will look like this.
71. Coach after coach will be fired after their team loses to UTSA.
72. UTSA's play book will have two plays, one for offense and one for defense. These two plays will both be unstoppable.
73. UTSA's red zone will be 100 yards long.
74. They will make movies about UTSA footbal, two or fifty-three a year.
75. UTSA will eschew grass and artificial turf for the stadium's playing surface. UTSA will play on concrete.
76. All UTSA football players will go on to have successful careers in whatever field they choose.
77. UTSA will look good in their uniforms (maybe too good).
78. UTSA pep rallies will prove unnecessary.
79. "I told you so!" will become UTSA's battle cry.
80. UTSA will be an honorary member of every conference.
81. Other teams will adopt UTSA's fight song and mascot in an effort to duplicate UTSA's success.
82. UTSA will give up just two points its first season when a UTSA running back gets confused and runs the wrong way and is tackled for a safety. That running back never sees the light of day ever again.
83. Roadrunners in the wild will stand a little taller secure in the knowledge of UTSA's success.
84. Roadrunners will be fast.
85. The press box at Roadrunner stadium will be able to accommodate 1,500 people.
86. Tailgating at Roadrunner stadium will go on 24/7/365 (366 in leap years).
87. After about 350 years of Roadrunner football, all other teams will give up and stop playing football.
88. Roadrunner football will be penalty free for its first 3 years of existence. The first penalty will be an unsportsmanlike penalty called on our halfdollarback for being too awesome.
89. Roadrunner players will play without helmets because they aren't needed. Roadrunners are too tough for helmets.
90. Sometimes people will tire of talking about Roadrunner football for two or three minutes at a time.
91. UTSA football coaches will win seven Nobel Prizes in the first 100 years of Roadrunner football.
92. Eventually, the NCAA will allow opposing players to carry weapons in games against the Roadrunners to make things more fair.
93. A blog post of 100 Roadrunner football predictions will become the longest blog post in the history of mankind. This post will break all sorts of things.
94. UTSA Roadrunners can tackle using their pinky finger only.
    
95. UTSA football players will run laps around 1604 before home games in order to warm up.
96. UTSA football will be under constant investigation for NCAA violations but none will ever be found.
97. UTSA players won't take steroids. Steroids would just hinder their development.
98. The roadrunner will become the national bird of the United States.
99. Roadrunner stadium will have large comfortable leather seats.
100. Earl Campbell will throw out the first pitch at the first UTSA football game. Only later will he realize that isn't done before football games.
     

There. I did it. The first ever UTSA football smack talk. That felt good. Woot!

Fish Fry 2007 Photolog

http://greglange.com/photolog/20070901/

Excalibur Injured Yet Still Triumphant

Like most people, I have two hands. And, being right handed, my right hand is much more competent than my left hand. Some time ago, I named my hands so that I could refer to them as individuals, separate from myself. My left hand is called "Lazy" and my right hand is called "Excalibur".

"Excalibur" is where all the action is. It's my primary weapon in foosball. It's my throwing hand. It's my usual shooting hand in basketball. When I engage in monkey fighting, "Excalibur" does most of the work.

"Lazy" is a mere piker when compared with "Excalibur". If I had two hands like "Lazy", I would be in trouble. "Lazy" is always holding me back.

Saturday, "Excalibur" was injured in a knife fight (the knife won). Here's a picture of the damage done:


This nasty little cut is located on what some would say is the very most important part of "Excalibur", the tip of the index finger. However, like the warrior it is, "Excalibur" went into battle a mere three hours after bleeding like a swarm of fat mosquitoes in tornado.

Against my best judgment and because my team needed me (we only had 5 players including myself), I played in a basketball game. I ended with 13 points. I was 1 for 2 from the NBA 3-point line. On one play, I blocked the other team's best player, scoped up the ball, raced up the court, picked up my dribble about the 3-point line, took two huge steps, jumped, glided through the air, and hit a Dr. J style layup. Every time I shot the ball or made a pass, "Excalibur" reminded me that it was injured. However, "Excalibur" did not let me down.

I often imagine what the world would be like if I had two hands like "Excalibur". Maybe I don't only because it wouldn't be fair to everybody else. I would have to be made illegal.

Superbad Was Super

I saw Superbad this weekend.

It was crude but very funny.

Baby On the Way

My wife, Gina, is pregnant. The baby is due February 10th.

The only people who don't know are my online friends and people at work.

Now that I've sent this piece of news to the Whole World Info Matrix, everybody knows.

Woot!

Worst Catan Game Ever?

2 points? Is that even possible?

Nancy Grace Broke Her Foot Recently?

Michelle from Madison tipped me to this:

Nancy Grace Breaks Her Foot

Is it true?

Why do slightly bad things happen to truly horrible people when truly horrible things should happen to truly horrible people (I kid, sort of)?

I'm Good at Small Games

Another miniature golf victory! Woot!

Check out hole number 11. MikeH and I both got holes in one!

Lunch Club Pics

Never before have pictures of this super-secret organization appeared on the World Wide Info Grid.

http://greglange.com/photolog/20070806/

Miniture Golf Victory

Woot! On this day I was awesome, like a tiny Tiger Woods!

Must See Videos

1. Turtle v. Cats -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul0gfCyeiyM
2. Buffaloes v. Lions v. Crocodiles -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM
3. Skate Boarder v. Ramp -- http://youtube.com/watch?v=S844dci0Bz8
4. Soccer Phenom v. Soccer Chumps -- http://youtube.com/watch?v=hG47FDenyXw